It is another night that I cannot sleep. 

If guilt is an irrational outcome, I fail to find a rational way out in a shipwreck of which I am a passenger, that aggravates the situation. What I need least is a feeling of helplessness, what I need most is a compass that can cleave my way through this land of troubles and sea of sufferings. 

What else I can possibly say when the family is on the brink of collapse and there is nothing you can do about it. The sofa is in living room is occupied now with a sleepless mind. This sucks. I feel not humiliation in such case, unlike my brother who holds a rather traditional mind. I only feel helpless and disappointed. I say this to Dad a moment ago, this is very, unfortunate. The more you give thought on such thing the least you would come up with anything helpful to an outcome that has long determined. 

I cannot quite recall the last time when the family is on the brink of collapse. I was protected from this news since I was too small when they got divorced. This time I am no longer a kid, but the obligation and burden of a son draws me into this second unfortunate shipwreck. I do not only witness but also involuntarily participate in this. I instinctively consider this a duty, though I do not enjoy it, at all. 

The problem is that I notice there is a perceptible change of heart and attitude of mom toward us. This makes me suffer. The long-standing complication of this matrimony scares me, and I have never wished to assume a position to judge for who is to blame. Things go nasty. I just want to leave all these terrible mess behind. At the same time, it seems that I am irresponsible. But I can do very little.

They are still quarreling now. The light is off, but it is too bright to open my eyes. I am very tired, and sleep is not inviting.